So, in University Singers, we are singing a song called Omnia Sol. The lyrics are as follows:
Somewhere far from nowhere I grew both strong and tall,
Longing to become, but knowing not the path at all.
But the footprints of the winter melted to fields of spring,
One last embrace before I cross the threshold. To life we sing!
O stay your soul and leave my heart it's song,
O stay your hand, the journey may be long.
And when we part, and sorrow can't be sway'd,
Remember when and let your heart be staid.
Omnia Sol temperat,
Absens in remota,
Ama me fideliter,
fidem meam noto.
Weave the dance and raise the chorus
Through the strength of Orion find refuge from the shore.
Let courage be your oar, let passion be your sail.
Wisdom and Truth will guide your deep hearts yearning.
Through all travail.
O stay your soul and leave my heart it's song
O stay your hand, the journey may be long.
And when we part, and sorrow can't be sway'd,
Remember when and let your heart be staid.
Omnia Sol temperat,
Absens in remota,
Ama me fideliter,
fidem meam noto.
O stay your hand and leave my heart it's song
O stay your hand, the journey may be long.
And when we part, and sorrow can't be sway'd
Remember when,
Remember when.
And let your heart be staid.
Be staid.
This song has so much meaning for me, and I think it's one of the most human songs I have ever had the chance to sing. I think that it's inherent qualities speak volumes to humankind. It's a tender song about leaving parts of ourselves in all of the people we meet. It also speaks the truth about leaving, and that it might be hard to leave the ones we love behind for a time (the journey may be long) but our memories are what chain our hearts to those we love (remember when and let your heart be staid).
This wonderful work makes me think down to my very core. What are the things that I value most? And I think I've finally reached that conclusion. I've been thinking much of late about the defining characteristics of my life, and I've come to the conclusion that the thing that means the most to me are the people I have in my life. I know, it's cliche to say. Everyone loves the people that they have in their lives, but for real. I would not be who I am without them. I owe my life, my faith, my confidence, my compassion, and my determination and strength to the people around me.
Omnia Sol makes me think about that. So, at the concert, this song is dedicated to you. To the person who takes the time to read this blogs. To the person who takes the time to get to know me better, and to give me multiple chances. The person who wants to my friends and companion based on the sole fact that you like the person that I am.
The mere fact that I have people to talk to everyday is the main reason why I get up in the morning. I love meeting new people, and I love new experiences. I thirst for knowledge. I know this is a lot to get out of one poetic song, but I have been thinking about it for some time.
I believe that we as humans are creatures that are meant to be heard and to be remembered in some small way. I actually wrote about this in a theatre essay. The professor posed the question "Why do humans perform?" I answered this by saying that everybody wants to be remembered and heard. But I think that those characteristics pertain to much more than just theatrical perfomances. I think that people want to be remembered in another's heart. It feels good to know that someone else cares, and that someone else has your imprint on their hearts. I like to think of the human heart as a stone that the names of the people you care about are etched into. Experience writes on us, and the memories we have are what's written our hearts.
This also makes it hard, I think, to leave experiences behind. I know I personally have a hard time letting go of people and places that I've been. I live in New North Hall right now, and I know at the end of the year I'm going to be wishing for it all to happen again, but the fact remains that it cannot be repeated. If there's anything I've learned (even if I have yet to apply it =P) is that life is far too short to be living in the past, or thinking that what hasn't happened yet is right around the corner. The past has already happened, and the future doesn't exist, so we should live in the moment (as cliche as that is).
So, with that, I conclude another post. Life continues to be a big long lesson for me, and I cannot wait to learn more.
As Omnia Sol says:
"Remember when, and let your heart be staid"
Live in the moment. Carpe diem, love who love with all of your heart, live life to the fullest, and keep those chained to your heart always near.
With sincerest regards,
-Geoff-
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Chapter One: Childhood Innoncence
Here is the first chapter of my autobiography that I've decided to write:
How many of us can honestly say that we remember our childhood? Not one of us can, that’s how many. If you want to look at it from a psychological point of view, we weren’t cognitively able to form memories until around the age of 3 I would say. I remember things from my childhood, but most of them are in my mind as an onlooker looking at me while these events occurred. I don’t remember them from my own memory; I remember them from a changed standpoint; like a fleeting story caught on the wind that you have to stretch to remember.
I was born in Longmont, Colorado to Waunita Palmer and Augustine Gamble. I did not know that Auggie was my father until about my junior year of high school, which I will get to later. I don’t know much about my childhood at this time from about the age of birth to 2 years. All I have of what I looked like when I was a child was a picture that my mom had taken in one of those Wal-Mart photo shops that look cheesy and tacky because that’s just what they are: cheesy and tacky. I was a happy looking child. I had a cute chubby face with big bright brown eyes and a pudgy little body and legs with non-existent ankles. I would wear those water shoes like they were the coolest thing in the world (or so my mother told me). She still has those, to this day, in her office and she brings them out every now and then to show how much my feet had grown.
All I know from this time period was that my mother lived with her mother, Phyllis Palmer, in a nice pink (and yes, I do mean tickle-me-pink pink) house on Lincoln St. in Longmont. I loved that house. I remember that my mother and I lived in the basement of that house. I vaguely remember my bedroom being right next to my mother’s. I had a blue racecar bed overflowing with stuffed animals ranging from bears to cartoon characters. I had two in particular that were my favorite: Ducky and Sonic the Hedgehog. Those two stuffed animals were my favorite things on the planet and I dubbed them best friends. Ducky was a little gray duck that had a purple shirt and a matching ball cap. Sonic looked just like the cartoon character but he always had mangled hands because I would chew on him endlessly.
This house was beautiful, if I remember correctly, and I dearly wish that we still lived there. This house had a great big tree out front on the lawn which was always really gorgeous. I used to drive by that house every once in a while when I would visit friends and see how much more beautiful it has gotten. Some days I want to knock on the door and say “I used to live here, would it be okay if you let me in to look around?” but I know that would be terribly inappropriate. But I digress; this house was magnificent. I remember that it was a split level house, one of those where you walk in and you either have to go upstairs or downstairs. Upstairs and to the left consisted of a living room, I think, which had two brown couches with blue flowers on them and an old T.V. set in the corner of the room. If you go straight from the landing of the stairs you would find yourself in the kitchen. All I remember of the kitchen was watching soap operas with my grandmother Phyllis while eating a plate of spaghetti. To the right of the landing were bedrooms I believe. My memory is a little fuzzy of what this house looked like. However, there are two very distinct memories that stick out in my mind of this house. The first pertains to the balcony that overlooked the stairs leading down into the basement of the house. See, we had this cat. I was obsessed with the movie Free Willy when I was a kid, and even to this day. I would watch at least five or six times a day, and that’s not an exaggeration. But again, and probably not for the last time, I digress. We had this gray male tabby cat that was my only friend for a while named Jesse, after the main character of Free Willy, that I adored. That cat was my best friend when I was a kid. The one memory I have of him to this day is how I would torture the hell out of him. I guess I never realized that dropping a cat off of that balcony down into the basement probably hurt it…but that cat still loved me, I think. I certainly loved him, and I never realized that it might be hurting him to drop him down those stairs, but that is one of the memories that stick out most vividly to me. The other memory involves those same stairs, but I feel like this might be lasting karma for the torture that I made my cat endure. When I was two, I made a big mistake. Now, when I remember this in my head, I don’t remember it as it happened to me. I remember it as someone standing over the landing of the stairs and looking down on me. But anyways, when I was two, I decided I would be a stuntman and ride my tricycle down a flight of split level home stairs. That was not the smartest decision I made. Needless to say, it ended in a bloody mess of my face meeting the door, and me losing the only tooth that had grown in at that point. My aunt, who was my primary babysitter at that point, mostly because she would work for free and because she was there all time, called my mother at work and I was promptly rushed to the hospital. I don’t remember much of that, but what I do have is a lasting scar from that experience: my crooked teeth.
This house was the first thing that I remember as a kid. I remember living there with my mother, aunt, and Granny, but I don’t know if anyone else lived there at the time. I do know, from stories that my mother told me, that Granny was my best friend. I was with her all the time that I could be. I never ever left her side. We would watch soap operas together, and I would talk in gibberish the entire time while she watched her soaps. I remember her face, but only because we have a picture of her that my mother keeps in her bedroom now. She was a beautiful woman, and she looks so much like my aunt Cassie that it’s uncanny. However, my Granny suffered from colon cancer. I don’t know when she was diagnosed with it, but I do know that she had it. I never knew, or if I did know I didn’t understand it. I never left her side though. My mom told me that I was always with her, every second of the day. I remember that we moved out of that pink house and into a brown mobile home in the same town. My Granny was dying, but at that age, I didn’t understand that. I don’t know why we moved out of the pink house into this dingy mobile home, but I trust there was a good reason. I only have a few memories of what happened in that household. I remember walking in on my aunt Cassie and her boyfriend at the time: Chris having sex. I didn’t understand what it was at the time, but I do remember being set down on the counter of the kitchen of the house and being apologized to by a shirtless Chris.
Granny wasn’t healthy. I think that my mom and aunt knew that her time was short, and that she was going to die soon. Now that I look back, I wish that I had been older so I could at least remember her voice. She was like a second mother to me, and I really do miss her. I hope that she is proud in Heaven, and that she is looking down on me with a smile. I’ve always thought I’ve had a guardian angel. I know that everyone says that they have one, but I’ve seen some crazy shit in my life that most people haven’t, and I think it was her holding me close. I think it was her holding me and making sure I was safe. I only remember a few things about her death, and they again were stories that my mom told me. My mom told me that Granny had to wear this contraption on her that would regulate her bowel movements. I still don’t know what it was that it was supposed to do, but essentially it was a bag that was slung around her waist to collect…well…fecal matter. My mom said that when I was a kid, I would walk around with a plastic King Soopers bag around my waist so I could be “like Granny!” Looking back on it now, I know that I had good intentions with the bag, but I wonder if it pained my Granny to look at me emulating her terminal illness. I don’t think she did. My Granny was a very caring and wonderful individual from what I remember. I haven’t thought about her in years until I started writing this, and I feel bad about that, but I can’t remember her very well. I do miss her though, and I look forward to the day when I can look at her beautiful face and the beautiful face of my God when I go to Heaven. I miss you Granny, but I know that you are looking at me now as I write this, and I hope I’ve made you proud. I know that I have made some mistakes in my life and I know that I have some pretty big regrets, but I think that I’m headed in the right direction. I just want to make you and Mom happy. I love you, and I can’t wait until the day when I get to meet you all over again.
How many of us can honestly say that we remember our childhood? Not one of us can, that’s how many. If you want to look at it from a psychological point of view, we weren’t cognitively able to form memories until around the age of 3 I would say. I remember things from my childhood, but most of them are in my mind as an onlooker looking at me while these events occurred. I don’t remember them from my own memory; I remember them from a changed standpoint; like a fleeting story caught on the wind that you have to stretch to remember.
I was born in Longmont, Colorado to Waunita Palmer and Augustine Gamble. I did not know that Auggie was my father until about my junior year of high school, which I will get to later. I don’t know much about my childhood at this time from about the age of birth to 2 years. All I have of what I looked like when I was a child was a picture that my mom had taken in one of those Wal-Mart photo shops that look cheesy and tacky because that’s just what they are: cheesy and tacky. I was a happy looking child. I had a cute chubby face with big bright brown eyes and a pudgy little body and legs with non-existent ankles. I would wear those water shoes like they were the coolest thing in the world (or so my mother told me). She still has those, to this day, in her office and she brings them out every now and then to show how much my feet had grown.
All I know from this time period was that my mother lived with her mother, Phyllis Palmer, in a nice pink (and yes, I do mean tickle-me-pink pink) house on Lincoln St. in Longmont. I loved that house. I remember that my mother and I lived in the basement of that house. I vaguely remember my bedroom being right next to my mother’s. I had a blue racecar bed overflowing with stuffed animals ranging from bears to cartoon characters. I had two in particular that were my favorite: Ducky and Sonic the Hedgehog. Those two stuffed animals were my favorite things on the planet and I dubbed them best friends. Ducky was a little gray duck that had a purple shirt and a matching ball cap. Sonic looked just like the cartoon character but he always had mangled hands because I would chew on him endlessly.
This house was beautiful, if I remember correctly, and I dearly wish that we still lived there. This house had a great big tree out front on the lawn which was always really gorgeous. I used to drive by that house every once in a while when I would visit friends and see how much more beautiful it has gotten. Some days I want to knock on the door and say “I used to live here, would it be okay if you let me in to look around?” but I know that would be terribly inappropriate. But I digress; this house was magnificent. I remember that it was a split level house, one of those where you walk in and you either have to go upstairs or downstairs. Upstairs and to the left consisted of a living room, I think, which had two brown couches with blue flowers on them and an old T.V. set in the corner of the room. If you go straight from the landing of the stairs you would find yourself in the kitchen. All I remember of the kitchen was watching soap operas with my grandmother Phyllis while eating a plate of spaghetti. To the right of the landing were bedrooms I believe. My memory is a little fuzzy of what this house looked like. However, there are two very distinct memories that stick out in my mind of this house. The first pertains to the balcony that overlooked the stairs leading down into the basement of the house. See, we had this cat. I was obsessed with the movie Free Willy when I was a kid, and even to this day. I would watch at least five or six times a day, and that’s not an exaggeration. But again, and probably not for the last time, I digress. We had this gray male tabby cat that was my only friend for a while named Jesse, after the main character of Free Willy, that I adored. That cat was my best friend when I was a kid. The one memory I have of him to this day is how I would torture the hell out of him. I guess I never realized that dropping a cat off of that balcony down into the basement probably hurt it…but that cat still loved me, I think. I certainly loved him, and I never realized that it might be hurting him to drop him down those stairs, but that is one of the memories that stick out most vividly to me. The other memory involves those same stairs, but I feel like this might be lasting karma for the torture that I made my cat endure. When I was two, I made a big mistake. Now, when I remember this in my head, I don’t remember it as it happened to me. I remember it as someone standing over the landing of the stairs and looking down on me. But anyways, when I was two, I decided I would be a stuntman and ride my tricycle down a flight of split level home stairs. That was not the smartest decision I made. Needless to say, it ended in a bloody mess of my face meeting the door, and me losing the only tooth that had grown in at that point. My aunt, who was my primary babysitter at that point, mostly because she would work for free and because she was there all time, called my mother at work and I was promptly rushed to the hospital. I don’t remember much of that, but what I do have is a lasting scar from that experience: my crooked teeth.
This house was the first thing that I remember as a kid. I remember living there with my mother, aunt, and Granny, but I don’t know if anyone else lived there at the time. I do know, from stories that my mother told me, that Granny was my best friend. I was with her all the time that I could be. I never ever left her side. We would watch soap operas together, and I would talk in gibberish the entire time while she watched her soaps. I remember her face, but only because we have a picture of her that my mother keeps in her bedroom now. She was a beautiful woman, and she looks so much like my aunt Cassie that it’s uncanny. However, my Granny suffered from colon cancer. I don’t know when she was diagnosed with it, but I do know that she had it. I never knew, or if I did know I didn’t understand it. I never left her side though. My mom told me that I was always with her, every second of the day. I remember that we moved out of that pink house and into a brown mobile home in the same town. My Granny was dying, but at that age, I didn’t understand that. I don’t know why we moved out of the pink house into this dingy mobile home, but I trust there was a good reason. I only have a few memories of what happened in that household. I remember walking in on my aunt Cassie and her boyfriend at the time: Chris having sex. I didn’t understand what it was at the time, but I do remember being set down on the counter of the kitchen of the house and being apologized to by a shirtless Chris.
Granny wasn’t healthy. I think that my mom and aunt knew that her time was short, and that she was going to die soon. Now that I look back, I wish that I had been older so I could at least remember her voice. She was like a second mother to me, and I really do miss her. I hope that she is proud in Heaven, and that she is looking down on me with a smile. I’ve always thought I’ve had a guardian angel. I know that everyone says that they have one, but I’ve seen some crazy shit in my life that most people haven’t, and I think it was her holding me close. I think it was her holding me and making sure I was safe. I only remember a few things about her death, and they again were stories that my mom told me. My mom told me that Granny had to wear this contraption on her that would regulate her bowel movements. I still don’t know what it was that it was supposed to do, but essentially it was a bag that was slung around her waist to collect…well…fecal matter. My mom said that when I was a kid, I would walk around with a plastic King Soopers bag around my waist so I could be “like Granny!” Looking back on it now, I know that I had good intentions with the bag, but I wonder if it pained my Granny to look at me emulating her terminal illness. I don’t think she did. My Granny was a very caring and wonderful individual from what I remember. I haven’t thought about her in years until I started writing this, and I feel bad about that, but I can’t remember her very well. I do miss her though, and I look forward to the day when I can look at her beautiful face and the beautiful face of my God when I go to Heaven. I miss you Granny, but I know that you are looking at me now as I write this, and I hope I’ve made you proud. I know that I have made some mistakes in my life and I know that I have some pretty big regrets, but I think that I’m headed in the right direction. I just want to make you and Mom happy. I love you, and I can’t wait until the day when I get to meet you all over again.
Monday, November 15, 2010
There is no rest for the wicked.
My life, once again, seems to be just more and more complicated every single day.
I have been having an inner war lately. I know that I notioned to it in my last post, but it is definitely worth mentioning again.
Everyone's life if is a constant struggle to find out who they are. I am no exception. Ever since I went to Navs, and even before that, I have been wondering who I am? What do I have to bring to the table? Do people like me? I know that you're taught from a young age to not care what people think, but in reality, that isn't the case. No, you shouldn't care about those who hold no sway over your mind or your heart (and I certainly don't). But, those who do have say in your life or those you WANT to have a say in your life, are the ones that you should care about their opinions.
There are many people I want to keep in my life for various reasons. Be it something as simple as we've talked a couple of times, or something as big as you make me smile on a daily basis. Where the real struggle comes in, and where I have the most problems, is making someone see that. Why is it so hard to make friends with someone? Why must people be so callous or uncaring to those who want them to be their friends? Is it so wrong to seek comfort in someone we've just met? Is it so wrong to want to be included in people's thoughts?
I just don't understand why people don't care. I don't understand why people can see you struggling but don't do anything about it.
All I can do is pray. Maybe someday I can be the confident, caring, and personable man I know that I am and can be. I won't believe Satan any longer. I won't let myself believe that I am not coveted, and that I am not an attractive personality.
My only hope is that if I can become an RA in North Hall, or anywhere else for that matter, I will be welcomed warmly, and that I can fill the shoes of the guy or gal whom's place I am taking.
God, I just pray that you slowly but surely reveal to me who I am, and who I am going to be. I pray that you keep me steady and that you give me strength, guidance, and wisdom. I pray that you keep Satan at bay, and that you fill me with your wisdom and grace and allow me to battle this demon inside me. I don't want to feel unwanted anymore. There truly is no rest for the wicked.
I have been having an inner war lately. I know that I notioned to it in my last post, but it is definitely worth mentioning again.
Everyone's life if is a constant struggle to find out who they are. I am no exception. Ever since I went to Navs, and even before that, I have been wondering who I am? What do I have to bring to the table? Do people like me? I know that you're taught from a young age to not care what people think, but in reality, that isn't the case. No, you shouldn't care about those who hold no sway over your mind or your heart (and I certainly don't). But, those who do have say in your life or those you WANT to have a say in your life, are the ones that you should care about their opinions.
There are many people I want to keep in my life for various reasons. Be it something as simple as we've talked a couple of times, or something as big as you make me smile on a daily basis. Where the real struggle comes in, and where I have the most problems, is making someone see that. Why is it so hard to make friends with someone? Why must people be so callous or uncaring to those who want them to be their friends? Is it so wrong to seek comfort in someone we've just met? Is it so wrong to want to be included in people's thoughts?
I just don't understand why people don't care. I don't understand why people can see you struggling but don't do anything about it.
All I can do is pray. Maybe someday I can be the confident, caring, and personable man I know that I am and can be. I won't believe Satan any longer. I won't let myself believe that I am not coveted, and that I am not an attractive personality.
My only hope is that if I can become an RA in North Hall, or anywhere else for that matter, I will be welcomed warmly, and that I can fill the shoes of the guy or gal whom's place I am taking.
God, I just pray that you slowly but surely reveal to me who I am, and who I am going to be. I pray that you keep me steady and that you give me strength, guidance, and wisdom. I pray that you keep Satan at bay, and that you fill me with your wisdom and grace and allow me to battle this demon inside me. I don't want to feel unwanted anymore. There truly is no rest for the wicked.
Friday, November 12, 2010
I struggle to see any truth in your lies...
Hello again.
I'm wrestling today. I am kind of in emotional turmoil today. I have a lot on my mind, from this RA job to Satan. So, before I go to Nebraska for the weekend, I've decided to blog about what's going on.
Last night I went to a meeting for a group called Navigators, which is pretty much an on-campus ministry. It has opened up my eyes to the evil of Satan, that's for sure. He is a liar. He tells you things that aren't true and makes you believe him. But, I know in my heart and my soul that I am saved. I am protected. Now I just need to believe that.
This RA thing has been stressing me out. I don't know how my interview went, and as much as I want to work in North, I feel like I won't be welcomed. I feel like I wouldn't be wanted...but that is just Satan lying to me. I guess I've just become so attached to it that it's making me scared to leave. I've grown accustomed to the people that are here. But I don't think that they've received me as warmly as I have them...and if I don't get the North job, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. No, I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to stick it out and do the best I possibly can. But who knows, there may be a possibility of me not even getting anything, so I guess all I can do is wait.
I have plenty of time to ponder all of this though, as I'm going to Nebraska for the weekend.
I know what my biggest problem is, and it's an agreement I made with myself long ago and I now apply it to every part of my life. The lie I've come to believe is that the people who's company I enjoy, and the people that I think about the most, are the people who don't care about me and that think I'm just this annoying, needy person. I've made myself believe that over the years. But, again, those are whispered lies from the one who is out to destroy me. I am going to try and make myself believe that I am an interesting person, and that people want to be around me. I just hope that I can apply that now...even as I type this I am having a hard time believing it.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but the answers will come to me. My life seems to be getting more complicated...
I'm wrestling today. I am kind of in emotional turmoil today. I have a lot on my mind, from this RA job to Satan. So, before I go to Nebraska for the weekend, I've decided to blog about what's going on.
Last night I went to a meeting for a group called Navigators, which is pretty much an on-campus ministry. It has opened up my eyes to the evil of Satan, that's for sure. He is a liar. He tells you things that aren't true and makes you believe him. But, I know in my heart and my soul that I am saved. I am protected. Now I just need to believe that.
This RA thing has been stressing me out. I don't know how my interview went, and as much as I want to work in North, I feel like I won't be welcomed. I feel like I wouldn't be wanted...but that is just Satan lying to me. I guess I've just become so attached to it that it's making me scared to leave. I've grown accustomed to the people that are here. But I don't think that they've received me as warmly as I have them...and if I don't get the North job, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. No, I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to stick it out and do the best I possibly can. But who knows, there may be a possibility of me not even getting anything, so I guess all I can do is wait.
I have plenty of time to ponder all of this though, as I'm going to Nebraska for the weekend.
I know what my biggest problem is, and it's an agreement I made with myself long ago and I now apply it to every part of my life. The lie I've come to believe is that the people who's company I enjoy, and the people that I think about the most, are the people who don't care about me and that think I'm just this annoying, needy person. I've made myself believe that over the years. But, again, those are whispered lies from the one who is out to destroy me. I am going to try and make myself believe that I am an interesting person, and that people want to be around me. I just hope that I can apply that now...even as I type this I am having a hard time believing it.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but the answers will come to me. My life seems to be getting more complicated...
Monday, November 1, 2010
Why do we let this happen?
Here I go, thinkin' again =p.
I just want everyone to know that tonight I feel very college-esque. I'm sitting on the couch in my suite, blogging, while watching "The Silence of the Lambs". Yeah, be jealous.
Today I've been thinking about lots of things. Most of all though, I have been considereing responsibility and dependance. Yes, I realize those are two different subjects but I have been exposed to two things today that have made me thinnk of these things.
Let's look at responsibility first. Dictionary.com defines it as "a particular burden of obligation upon one who is responsible". With that said, wouldn't I be correct in saying that a baby, for example, is something that one would refer to as responsible? I sure think so. Ok, well I know someone who just had a baby, and I am very happy for that person. Babies are a wonderful blessing and joy to behold. The miracle of life is so incredible that it really can't be put into words. I am in awe every time I see a newborn. But that isn't the point of my ramblings. What I was getting at is having a baby when you are READY, or rather RESPONSIBLE enough to have one. The person I know who just had a baby is still very much an immature person. She is the kind of person that can't look any deeper than say her boyfriend at the time or the "issues" they might be having.
In a nutshell, this guy and her had sex and she got pregnant when she was 18. This could lead into so many segways on topics that I feel very strongly about, but I am going to try my darndest to stay on just the one topic of responsibility. Teenage pregnancy is really something that I detest, and I think it stems from the lack of responsibitly in young men and woman. A responsible person would know that sex and intimacy comes with a very hefty price (which is one of the reasons I am saving myself, not necesarily until marriage, but until I find a committed relationship that I know means something). It may seem that these two love each other because they have a child together, but GET THIS!!! He wasn't even AT the hospital at the time. It was the same day as his birthday and he decided that hanging out with friends rather than his "girlfriend" and their brand new daughter. How ridiculous is that?
It may not seem like this to you, but take it from someone who knows this girl, she wasn't ready. She is still very young in her mindset and that interferes with her capacity to be an adult. I guess my main conclusion for this one is that I don't agree with teen pregnancy whatsoever, and that I think it could all be avoided if people wouldn't act on primal instincts to procreate.
Now for something that I am all too familiar with: dependance.
When I think of dependance, I think of the need for something to be present on, not necesarily a day to day basis, but on a frequent basis. I've found that I've become dependant on those who have shown me an act of compassion, no matter how small it is. But, the level of dependance depends on the level of compassion.
However, what I want to explore, at least specifically, those people that you see that are so needing of a relationship, it's almost sad.
I know someone who was dating a friend of mine, and the relationship went sour very quick. It went sour because she wanted him every minute of every day, and if he was gone for longer than ten minutes (say, and I'm not joking, the time span it takes to go to the bathroom) she would assume he was talking to other girls and that he was going to be making arrangements to see another girl when he was "done" with her. It was almost sad to watch her already frail confidence be shattered.
I know that most issues people have with other people is due to a lack of confidence, but I feel like this is an extreme.
What I don't understand, and what I kind of want to explore as a train-of-thought kind of process, is how this girl can be so torn up over being broken up with my friend, but then be with a guy that she possibly has just met, and is already being labeled as a "great guy". I wish I could just understand why people look down on themselves and can't be comfortable.
A message from me to anyone who decides to read this. You are beautiful. You are unique. You can be anything you want to be. Please don't subject yourself to the tortue of being so reliant on other people that you lose sight of who you are. I learned that lesson both a long time ago, and not too long ago. I learned when I was in high school when I destroyed the walls of my insecurities around my heart. I also learned not long ago that you can't rely on anyone but yourself. I know that sounds bleak, but when it really comes down to it, who can you trust better than yourself? You always know what you want, you always know what you need, even if you aren't willing to accept it right away.
My main conclusions for this post is that, responsibility is very importtant and can lead to a more real, and cognitive life. I think that it is one of the biggest things in a successful life, and especially in appropriate decision making. Also, dependance is ok, but just like anything, it is only appropriate in moderation. I think that it's fine to rely on others and to want others to be in your life, for I feel that no one can develop without exposure to other people. But, when it comes to meaningful relationships, someone you are in such need of that they can't be themselves, and you can't either, that's when it becomes unhealthy.
That's all I have for now.
Be well,
~Ge-Off~
I just want everyone to know that tonight I feel very college-esque. I'm sitting on the couch in my suite, blogging, while watching "The Silence of the Lambs". Yeah, be jealous.
Today I've been thinking about lots of things. Most of all though, I have been considereing responsibility and dependance. Yes, I realize those are two different subjects but I have been exposed to two things today that have made me thinnk of these things.
Let's look at responsibility first. Dictionary.com defines it as "a particular burden of obligation upon one who is responsible". With that said, wouldn't I be correct in saying that a baby, for example, is something that one would refer to as responsible? I sure think so. Ok, well I know someone who just had a baby, and I am very happy for that person. Babies are a wonderful blessing and joy to behold. The miracle of life is so incredible that it really can't be put into words. I am in awe every time I see a newborn. But that isn't the point of my ramblings. What I was getting at is having a baby when you are READY, or rather RESPONSIBLE enough to have one. The person I know who just had a baby is still very much an immature person. She is the kind of person that can't look any deeper than say her boyfriend at the time or the "issues" they might be having.
In a nutshell, this guy and her had sex and she got pregnant when she was 18. This could lead into so many segways on topics that I feel very strongly about, but I am going to try my darndest to stay on just the one topic of responsibility. Teenage pregnancy is really something that I detest, and I think it stems from the lack of responsibitly in young men and woman. A responsible person would know that sex and intimacy comes with a very hefty price (which is one of the reasons I am saving myself, not necesarily until marriage, but until I find a committed relationship that I know means something). It may seem that these two love each other because they have a child together, but GET THIS!!! He wasn't even AT the hospital at the time. It was the same day as his birthday and he decided that hanging out with friends rather than his "girlfriend" and their brand new daughter. How ridiculous is that?
It may not seem like this to you, but take it from someone who knows this girl, she wasn't ready. She is still very young in her mindset and that interferes with her capacity to be an adult. I guess my main conclusion for this one is that I don't agree with teen pregnancy whatsoever, and that I think it could all be avoided if people wouldn't act on primal instincts to procreate.
Now for something that I am all too familiar with: dependance.
When I think of dependance, I think of the need for something to be present on, not necesarily a day to day basis, but on a frequent basis. I've found that I've become dependant on those who have shown me an act of compassion, no matter how small it is. But, the level of dependance depends on the level of compassion.
However, what I want to explore, at least specifically, those people that you see that are so needing of a relationship, it's almost sad.
I know someone who was dating a friend of mine, and the relationship went sour very quick. It went sour because she wanted him every minute of every day, and if he was gone for longer than ten minutes (say, and I'm not joking, the time span it takes to go to the bathroom) she would assume he was talking to other girls and that he was going to be making arrangements to see another girl when he was "done" with her. It was almost sad to watch her already frail confidence be shattered.
I know that most issues people have with other people is due to a lack of confidence, but I feel like this is an extreme.
What I don't understand, and what I kind of want to explore as a train-of-thought kind of process, is how this girl can be so torn up over being broken up with my friend, but then be with a guy that she possibly has just met, and is already being labeled as a "great guy". I wish I could just understand why people look down on themselves and can't be comfortable.
A message from me to anyone who decides to read this. You are beautiful. You are unique. You can be anything you want to be. Please don't subject yourself to the tortue of being so reliant on other people that you lose sight of who you are. I learned that lesson both a long time ago, and not too long ago. I learned when I was in high school when I destroyed the walls of my insecurities around my heart. I also learned not long ago that you can't rely on anyone but yourself. I know that sounds bleak, but when it really comes down to it, who can you trust better than yourself? You always know what you want, you always know what you need, even if you aren't willing to accept it right away.
My main conclusions for this post is that, responsibility is very importtant and can lead to a more real, and cognitive life. I think that it is one of the biggest things in a successful life, and especially in appropriate decision making. Also, dependance is ok, but just like anything, it is only appropriate in moderation. I think that it's fine to rely on others and to want others to be in your life, for I feel that no one can develop without exposure to other people. But, when it comes to meaningful relationships, someone you are in such need of that they can't be themselves, and you can't either, that's when it becomes unhealthy.
That's all I have for now.
Be well,
~Ge-Off~
Friday, October 29, 2010
I won't rot, I won't rot. Not this mind and not this heart. I won't rot.
Hello friends!
It has been far too long since I last posted, and for that I apologize. I have been so busy with studying, papers, homework, applications, resumes, etc. etc, it's been so insane. I don't even know where to begin with all that has happened.
My friends and I are great. I have seen them a few times since last we met, and everything is just the same. But, they are all in love, and unfortunately I am not...and it kinda sucks. Most days I want someone to hold, but then there are days where I can manage without. I know that I am ready, but I just need to find someone who is on the same level as me. I sure hope I find her soon.
My biggest thing with wanting a girlfriend is I want to be needed. I don't want someone I can show off to the world, or I can say "Yeah, look at that hot piece of ass I have on my arm". I just want to be the one she calls. I want to be the one she looks at and her heart skips a beat. I guess God will put her there when He is ready. I hope its my turn soon.
But aside from all that, school is going GREAT! These last couple weeks have been crazy busy, but I like having things to do. It keeps my wandering mind occupied and stimulated. I am applying to be an RA at UNC. I really really really really really hope I get it. I have been praying every night, and I pray He listens. I haven't been this passionate about something in a really long time, and in turn, it has ignited a flame in me. I am motivated now to do homework and get it out of the way, and my grades are improving because of it. Which, I suppose, isn't a bad thing =P.
I am a contemplative kind of person. I don't think that's a bad thing either. I also am not stupid. I have common sense, and I know when something is happening. Call it intuition. Lately, I have been making an effort to try and make amends with everything that happened over the summer. Joey is my roommate, and we are fine. I don't think he even knows/remembers what happened over the summer, but something he, or even Addie and Jared don't even know, is that I dwell on it all the time. It is constantly nagging at me. It is always telling me that nothing will ever be the same. And I know it won't. I messed things up royally. I took what could have been a wonderful friendship, with Jared in specific, and squeezed every iota of life out of it.
Jared, Joey, or Addie, if you ever read this, I just want you to know that the only reason I hang on so hard to everything I have is because I have lost so much in my life. Most of the things I have ever cared deeply about have dissapeared. I lost my first love to suicide, I've lost friends to car accidents, I've lost family members to cancer, I've even lost pets and friends. Loss is what I'm accustomed to. I held on to you guys so tightly because you gave me comfort. You made me happy. I am sorry that you can't see it that way.
In other, less depressing, news, I had my first choir concert of the semester. It went...well...INCEREDIBLE!!! We sounded awesome, or at least I thought. And, I got suprised like not other. Lisha, Kimmy, Orion came and suprised me. Oh, and ADAM came!!! I was convinced that he wasn't going to come, but he did, and it made me so happy. I was in shock at first, and then you couldn't wipe the smile off my face even if you wanted to! That was such a great experience.
The most stressful thing for me right now is my wanting to be an RA. Like I've said before, I haven't felt this much passion for something in a really long time. I haven't had a fire lit under my ass in a really long time, I guess you could say. But, at the same time I am having my doubts. I don't have any doubts about whether or not I can do the job...I honestly don't even know what I am doubting. They are looking for outgoing, fun, caring, and responsible individuals, and that is just what I am. I guess I should stop worrying about that which doesn't need to be worried about, huh?
I guess my main conclusions for this post is that I am done worrying about that which can't be changed or controlled. I don't put any stock in making myself worry all the time. It just isn't worth my time. I have plenty of other things to be doing. So I am going to live my life the way I see fit, and hope that others come with me. I know that I have Kimmy, Lisha, my might as well be brother Orion, Kate, Myka, Megan, Kayla, and even Adam who will stand by me no matter what. That's what I should hold on to. That's where my focus should be. If any of you ever read this, I LOVE YOU!! Thanks for caring about me. It takes alot, I know, but you guys do it on a daily basis. And for that I thank you.
With a glad and open heart,
Ge-Off
P.S.: My song of the day is "After the Storm" by Mumford and Sons. That's where I got the quote for the title of this post. M&S is a band that the RA on the 4th floor, Austin, of North introduced to me. Incredible band. Check em' out! =D
Be well.
It has been far too long since I last posted, and for that I apologize. I have been so busy with studying, papers, homework, applications, resumes, etc. etc, it's been so insane. I don't even know where to begin with all that has happened.
My friends and I are great. I have seen them a few times since last we met, and everything is just the same. But, they are all in love, and unfortunately I am not...and it kinda sucks. Most days I want someone to hold, but then there are days where I can manage without. I know that I am ready, but I just need to find someone who is on the same level as me. I sure hope I find her soon.
My biggest thing with wanting a girlfriend is I want to be needed. I don't want someone I can show off to the world, or I can say "Yeah, look at that hot piece of ass I have on my arm". I just want to be the one she calls. I want to be the one she looks at and her heart skips a beat. I guess God will put her there when He is ready. I hope its my turn soon.
But aside from all that, school is going GREAT! These last couple weeks have been crazy busy, but I like having things to do. It keeps my wandering mind occupied and stimulated. I am applying to be an RA at UNC. I really really really really really hope I get it. I have been praying every night, and I pray He listens. I haven't been this passionate about something in a really long time, and in turn, it has ignited a flame in me. I am motivated now to do homework and get it out of the way, and my grades are improving because of it. Which, I suppose, isn't a bad thing =P.
I am a contemplative kind of person. I don't think that's a bad thing either. I also am not stupid. I have common sense, and I know when something is happening. Call it intuition. Lately, I have been making an effort to try and make amends with everything that happened over the summer. Joey is my roommate, and we are fine. I don't think he even knows/remembers what happened over the summer, but something he, or even Addie and Jared don't even know, is that I dwell on it all the time. It is constantly nagging at me. It is always telling me that nothing will ever be the same. And I know it won't. I messed things up royally. I took what could have been a wonderful friendship, with Jared in specific, and squeezed every iota of life out of it.
Jared, Joey, or Addie, if you ever read this, I just want you to know that the only reason I hang on so hard to everything I have is because I have lost so much in my life. Most of the things I have ever cared deeply about have dissapeared. I lost my first love to suicide, I've lost friends to car accidents, I've lost family members to cancer, I've even lost pets and friends. Loss is what I'm accustomed to. I held on to you guys so tightly because you gave me comfort. You made me happy. I am sorry that you can't see it that way.
In other, less depressing, news, I had my first choir concert of the semester. It went...well...INCEREDIBLE!!! We sounded awesome, or at least I thought. And, I got suprised like not other. Lisha, Kimmy, Orion came and suprised me. Oh, and ADAM came!!! I was convinced that he wasn't going to come, but he did, and it made me so happy. I was in shock at first, and then you couldn't wipe the smile off my face even if you wanted to! That was such a great experience.
The most stressful thing for me right now is my wanting to be an RA. Like I've said before, I haven't felt this much passion for something in a really long time. I haven't had a fire lit under my ass in a really long time, I guess you could say. But, at the same time I am having my doubts. I don't have any doubts about whether or not I can do the job...I honestly don't even know what I am doubting. They are looking for outgoing, fun, caring, and responsible individuals, and that is just what I am. I guess I should stop worrying about that which doesn't need to be worried about, huh?
I guess my main conclusions for this post is that I am done worrying about that which can't be changed or controlled. I don't put any stock in making myself worry all the time. It just isn't worth my time. I have plenty of other things to be doing. So I am going to live my life the way I see fit, and hope that others come with me. I know that I have Kimmy, Lisha, my might as well be brother Orion, Kate, Myka, Megan, Kayla, and even Adam who will stand by me no matter what. That's what I should hold on to. That's where my focus should be. If any of you ever read this, I LOVE YOU!! Thanks for caring about me. It takes alot, I know, but you guys do it on a daily basis. And for that I thank you.
With a glad and open heart,
Ge-Off
P.S.: My song of the day is "After the Storm" by Mumford and Sons. That's where I got the quote for the title of this post. M&S is a band that the RA on the 4th floor, Austin, of North introduced to me. Incredible band. Check em' out! =D
Be well.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Hopefully Goodness and Mercy Shall Follow
Hello friends,
It's me, Ge-Off again. I hope everything is good in your lives.
As for me,I have been having a productive day, and a productive week honestly. Everything in school seems to be going the way its supposed to. Psych is still so fascinating to me. I look forward to going to class every time one happens. Even if it's at 9:30 in the morning. I really hope that I won't regret changing my major for the second time.
Today has been really good, I spent the morning and most of the afternoon with my dear friend Kate, doing homework and such. I had a list of "H" things I had to do this weekend (yes, I do think I am incredibly clever) and have knocked almost all of it out today! Hooray!
Many things have been on my mind as of late. The fact that I no longer have a job and that I have to rely on my mother once again is killing me. I hate having to ask her for money...but unfortunately if I want to eat or live I have to. I hope that someday I can pay her back for her endless generosity.
I've also been looking at myself as far as fixing everything about me goes. I know there are some things that just can't be fixed or changed. I have acknowledged that fact that I am overly-emotional and tend to take things far too seriously. I know that in of itself is not a good thing, but my REALIZING that I am like that has led to many good things. It has led to me realizing who I want and need in my life. It has weeded out those who don't need to be here. I have come to the conclusion that if you can't handle me in my emotional stages, you certainly don't deserve to be exposed to my IMMENSE capacity for caring.
I can be the best friend you have in the world, but you have to be able to put up with me. Sometimes, I feel like the people I want in my life, don't want to be there, but that's just my overreactional thinking. Dude, you're a brother to me. I bet someday I will be to you too. I wish there wasn't such a big distance between us, but I guess that's unavoidable. I will see you soon.
I've also been thinking about love...alot. It's been said to me many times, but you really do have to love yourself before you love anyone else. The fact remains, that I am still rather uncomfortable with the person that I am. Not physically, I overcame those issues many years ago. Yeah, I'm a fatty, yeah, I have acne, yeah, I have crooked teeth. Sucks for you if you can't look past that. But, on the inside, I am in turmoil. My emotional ways tend to leave me with more questions than answers about who I am.
My goal right now is to: Go somewhere with the girl that I like right now. Somehow, I am going to muster the courage to ask her out...hopefully soon. Get over the fact that I am not going to see my buddy very often. And, God willing, maybe be more to him than the occasional text message. And, finally, become content with myself. I think that right there will solve issues one and two. We shall see.
Tuesday is gonna be a big day for me. Aside from the fact that I am taking a quiz in my Human Growth and Development class, I am going to Fort Collins for the evening. After completing my quiz, I plan on rushing out of the school, getting in my car and driving as fast as I can to see my friends Kimmy, Kate, Nicole, Matt, and Adam! Softball games make my life complete, and this may be the only that I can go to this semester. This is also gonna be the day that I see my softball buddies for the first time in three weeks. I hope it's a happy reunion. I prayed last night that it goes awesomely and that I don' leave there wishing it had gone differently.
God willing, I will find my way. I will feel satisfied.
-Ge-Off-
My song of the day: Whatever It Takes by Lifehouse. I know that this song is a song about ruining things with your lover and that you want it fixed, but I am in a stage in my life where my friends are the most important thing to me. I don't want to ruin my friendship with Adam anymore. I just wanna turn it around. I don't know what I have to do, but someway, I will find the answers.
It's me, Ge-Off again. I hope everything is good in your lives.
As for me,I have been having a productive day, and a productive week honestly. Everything in school seems to be going the way its supposed to. Psych is still so fascinating to me. I look forward to going to class every time one happens. Even if it's at 9:30 in the morning. I really hope that I won't regret changing my major for the second time.
Today has been really good, I spent the morning and most of the afternoon with my dear friend Kate, doing homework and such. I had a list of "H" things I had to do this weekend (yes, I do think I am incredibly clever) and have knocked almost all of it out today! Hooray!
Many things have been on my mind as of late. The fact that I no longer have a job and that I have to rely on my mother once again is killing me. I hate having to ask her for money...but unfortunately if I want to eat or live I have to. I hope that someday I can pay her back for her endless generosity.
I've also been looking at myself as far as fixing everything about me goes. I know there are some things that just can't be fixed or changed. I have acknowledged that fact that I am overly-emotional and tend to take things far too seriously. I know that in of itself is not a good thing, but my REALIZING that I am like that has led to many good things. It has led to me realizing who I want and need in my life. It has weeded out those who don't need to be here. I have come to the conclusion that if you can't handle me in my emotional stages, you certainly don't deserve to be exposed to my IMMENSE capacity for caring.
I can be the best friend you have in the world, but you have to be able to put up with me. Sometimes, I feel like the people I want in my life, don't want to be there, but that's just my overreactional thinking. Dude, you're a brother to me. I bet someday I will be to you too. I wish there wasn't such a big distance between us, but I guess that's unavoidable. I will see you soon.
I've also been thinking about love...alot. It's been said to me many times, but you really do have to love yourself before you love anyone else. The fact remains, that I am still rather uncomfortable with the person that I am. Not physically, I overcame those issues many years ago. Yeah, I'm a fatty, yeah, I have acne, yeah, I have crooked teeth. Sucks for you if you can't look past that. But, on the inside, I am in turmoil. My emotional ways tend to leave me with more questions than answers about who I am.
My goal right now is to: Go somewhere with the girl that I like right now. Somehow, I am going to muster the courage to ask her out...hopefully soon. Get over the fact that I am not going to see my buddy very often. And, God willing, maybe be more to him than the occasional text message. And, finally, become content with myself. I think that right there will solve issues one and two. We shall see.
Tuesday is gonna be a big day for me. Aside from the fact that I am taking a quiz in my Human Growth and Development class, I am going to Fort Collins for the evening. After completing my quiz, I plan on rushing out of the school, getting in my car and driving as fast as I can to see my friends Kimmy, Kate, Nicole, Matt, and Adam! Softball games make my life complete, and this may be the only that I can go to this semester. This is also gonna be the day that I see my softball buddies for the first time in three weeks. I hope it's a happy reunion. I prayed last night that it goes awesomely and that I don' leave there wishing it had gone differently.
God willing, I will find my way. I will feel satisfied.
-Ge-Off-
My song of the day: Whatever It Takes by Lifehouse. I know that this song is a song about ruining things with your lover and that you want it fixed, but I am in a stage in my life where my friends are the most important thing to me. I don't want to ruin my friendship with Adam anymore. I just wanna turn it around. I don't know what I have to do, but someway, I will find the answers.
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