This is something that I deal with, almost daily. Friends are one of the most, if not THE most, important things that people need in their lives. No one can walk this road called life alone, no matter how strong you think you are. I know that, but sometimes I take that too far. I cherish my friends more than life itself, literally. I would take a bullet for any one of them, without the slightest hesitation.
I've been learning alot about myself this summer. I've learned that just when you think you are the person you want to be, you can be changed, instantly, into another person. The changes are all for the good, but what it comes down to is: Are you willing to let these changes happen? I know I wasn't. I was willing to let myself drown in my sorrow.
I hate losing people, more than anything. Loss is not something that I deal with well. But. It had to happen for me to be stronger. To quote a song that I love: "Every heartache makes you stronger". This line is so true. Heartache hurts, yes. But in the end, the wounds heal, and are stronger thus. I did have to lose people. But it taught me that no matter what, the ones that are meant to stay in your lives WILL. Someday.
It took alot for me to learn this. I went through such a emotional ride this summer with my friends. It started off two weeks before school was over. The four of us, whose names shall remain in confidence, became really close. Jason Aldean's song "Laughed Until We Cried" comes to mind right now. We got to know each other, hung out, revealed secrets, and forged an unbreakable bond (or so I thought at the time). Bonds, aren't always as strong as one would think.
Come the end of school, I took them leaving really hard. Even though I was returning to the best friends I could ever ask for, my heart was still pained because they weren't there right when I needed them. Me and one of the group got especially close. Him and I were almost like brothers (again, so I thought). And, I made a fool of myself. I took every opprotunity I could to make him mad at me by pestering him, and I did a better job of pushing him away than he ever would have done. And, to this day, I regret that more than anything this summer. I regret ruining what would have been a great friendship, and I hope it still can be. (If you haven't noticed, I like to beat myself up about stuff, I promise, I'm working on it ;]).
So, I came home. I tortured myself. I made myself believe that these people hated me, when that couldn't be farther from the truth. They didn't hate me, the hated the person I was becoming. I made a fool out of myself.
But, in every darkness, there is a glimmer of light. The Big Five, I'll call it (with every year passin' they mean more than gold).
These friends have stuck with me through thick and thin, literally (I have been on a crusade to lose weight, and I've been pretty successful). I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize what it is that I had. I realized that I shouldn't have to change who I am to feel like I fit in with friends, I should revel in myself, and be who I really am. And, from that time on, I was that way with everyone I met. Including another buddy of mine, who means the world to me, just like the Big Five.
I met said buddy through my friend Lisha. She had met him on the internet and invited him to come hang out with us one night, spur of the moment. That spur of the moment night, kinda changed my summer.
I was afraid of the term bromance, because that is what people called me and my buddy form school that didn't work out. I was afraid to let myself get close to another person that I barely knew again. But, when someone else besides me labelled it one, I got excited again. Adam and I got really close, but that was almost a bad thing.
I began to do the same thing I had done previously this summer. I took every opprotunity to make myself look like a fool without realizing it. I almost pushed him away in the same fashion I had done before. I became overbearing, needy, and emotional. I scared myself with how I acted and finally decided to do something about it. I prayed.
I prayed deep in my heart, and then from my mouth, that God would come and change me into someone who can handle his emotions. I asked him for me to be happy, even if that meant letting go of Adam. I couldn't handle the constant anxiety that I was experiencing, over a person. It's been three days since I made that prayer, and I think that God heard me. I don't care if you say God doesn't work that fast, but my deep desire to be happy, and the passion in which I said the words, and meant them, made it happen this way. Now, I realized that letting go of something, no matter how briefly, determines worth on both ends. You realize how much somone means to you, and then they in turn realize what they have too. Adam may or may not come to that realization, but he never needed to. I did. Now, I feel like nothing is wrong. I let go, thinking that that would be the last I ever heard of him. But God saw if fit to keep him in my life, and for that I thank him to no end. Letting go is hard to do, "but if you never try you'll never know, just what you're worth".
So, I have realized that God keeps those that are supposed to be in your life there.
"You're never alone."
They'll be in every beat of your heart no matter where you fly.
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