Hello friends!
It has been far too long since I last posted, and for that I apologize. I have been so busy with studying, papers, homework, applications, resumes, etc. etc, it's been so insane. I don't even know where to begin with all that has happened.
My friends and I are great. I have seen them a few times since last we met, and everything is just the same. But, they are all in love, and unfortunately I am not...and it kinda sucks. Most days I want someone to hold, but then there are days where I can manage without. I know that I am ready, but I just need to find someone who is on the same level as me. I sure hope I find her soon.
My biggest thing with wanting a girlfriend is I want to be needed. I don't want someone I can show off to the world, or I can say "Yeah, look at that hot piece of ass I have on my arm". I just want to be the one she calls. I want to be the one she looks at and her heart skips a beat. I guess God will put her there when He is ready. I hope its my turn soon.
But aside from all that, school is going GREAT! These last couple weeks have been crazy busy, but I like having things to do. It keeps my wandering mind occupied and stimulated. I am applying to be an RA at UNC. I really really really really really hope I get it. I have been praying every night, and I pray He listens. I haven't been this passionate about something in a really long time, and in turn, it has ignited a flame in me. I am motivated now to do homework and get it out of the way, and my grades are improving because of it. Which, I suppose, isn't a bad thing =P.
I am a contemplative kind of person. I don't think that's a bad thing either. I also am not stupid. I have common sense, and I know when something is happening. Call it intuition. Lately, I have been making an effort to try and make amends with everything that happened over the summer. Joey is my roommate, and we are fine. I don't think he even knows/remembers what happened over the summer, but something he, or even Addie and Jared don't even know, is that I dwell on it all the time. It is constantly nagging at me. It is always telling me that nothing will ever be the same. And I know it won't. I messed things up royally. I took what could have been a wonderful friendship, with Jared in specific, and squeezed every iota of life out of it.
Jared, Joey, or Addie, if you ever read this, I just want you to know that the only reason I hang on so hard to everything I have is because I have lost so much in my life. Most of the things I have ever cared deeply about have dissapeared. I lost my first love to suicide, I've lost friends to car accidents, I've lost family members to cancer, I've even lost pets and friends. Loss is what I'm accustomed to. I held on to you guys so tightly because you gave me comfort. You made me happy. I am sorry that you can't see it that way.
In other, less depressing, news, I had my first choir concert of the semester. It went...well...INCEREDIBLE!!! We sounded awesome, or at least I thought. And, I got suprised like not other. Lisha, Kimmy, Orion came and suprised me. Oh, and ADAM came!!! I was convinced that he wasn't going to come, but he did, and it made me so happy. I was in shock at first, and then you couldn't wipe the smile off my face even if you wanted to! That was such a great experience.
The most stressful thing for me right now is my wanting to be an RA. Like I've said before, I haven't felt this much passion for something in a really long time. I haven't had a fire lit under my ass in a really long time, I guess you could say. But, at the same time I am having my doubts. I don't have any doubts about whether or not I can do the job...I honestly don't even know what I am doubting. They are looking for outgoing, fun, caring, and responsible individuals, and that is just what I am. I guess I should stop worrying about that which doesn't need to be worried about, huh?
I guess my main conclusions for this post is that I am done worrying about that which can't be changed or controlled. I don't put any stock in making myself worry all the time. It just isn't worth my time. I have plenty of other things to be doing. So I am going to live my life the way I see fit, and hope that others come with me. I know that I have Kimmy, Lisha, my might as well be brother Orion, Kate, Myka, Megan, Kayla, and even Adam who will stand by me no matter what. That's what I should hold on to. That's where my focus should be. If any of you ever read this, I LOVE YOU!! Thanks for caring about me. It takes alot, I know, but you guys do it on a daily basis. And for that I thank you.
With a glad and open heart,
Ge-Off
P.S.: My song of the day is "After the Storm" by Mumford and Sons. That's where I got the quote for the title of this post. M&S is a band that the RA on the 4th floor, Austin, of North introduced to me. Incredible band. Check em' out! =D
Be well.
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