Chapter One: Childhood Innoncence

Here is the first chapter of my autobiography that I've decided to write:

How many of us can honestly say that we remember our childhood? Not one of us can, that’s how many. If you want to look at it from a psychological point of view, we weren’t cognitively able to form memories until around the age of 3 I would say. I remember things from my childhood, but most of them are in my mind as an onlooker looking at me while these events occurred. I don’t remember them from my own memory; I remember them from a changed standpoint; like a fleeting story caught on the wind that you have to stretch to remember.
I was born in Longmont, Colorado to Waunita Palmer and Augustine Gamble. I did not know that Auggie was my father until about my junior year of high school, which I will get to later. I don’t know much about my childhood at this time from about the age of birth to 2 years. All I have of what I looked like when I was a child was a picture that my mom had taken in one of those Wal-Mart photo shops that look cheesy and tacky because that’s just what they are: cheesy and tacky. I was a happy looking child. I had a cute chubby face with big bright brown eyes and a pudgy little body and legs with non-existent ankles. I would wear those water shoes like they were the coolest thing in the world (or so my mother told me). She still has those, to this day, in her office and she brings them out every now and then to show how much my feet had grown.
All I know from this time period was that my mother lived with her mother, Phyllis Palmer, in a nice pink (and yes, I do mean tickle-me-pink pink) house on Lincoln St. in Longmont. I loved that house. I remember that my mother and I lived in the basement of that house. I vaguely remember my bedroom being right next to my mother’s. I had a blue racecar bed overflowing with stuffed animals ranging from bears to cartoon characters. I had two in particular that were my favorite: Ducky and Sonic the Hedgehog. Those two stuffed animals were my favorite things on the planet and I dubbed them best friends. Ducky was a little gray duck that had a purple shirt and a matching ball cap. Sonic looked just like the cartoon character but he always had mangled hands because I would chew on him endlessly.
This house was beautiful, if I remember correctly, and I dearly wish that we still lived there. This house had a great big tree out front on the lawn which was always really gorgeous. I used to drive by that house every once in a while when I would visit friends and see how much more beautiful it has gotten. Some days I want to knock on the door and say “I used to live here, would it be okay if you let me in to look around?” but I know that would be terribly inappropriate. But I digress; this house was magnificent. I remember that it was a split level house, one of those where you walk in and you either have to go upstairs or downstairs. Upstairs and to the left consisted of a living room, I think, which had two brown couches with blue flowers on them and an old T.V. set in the corner of the room. If you go straight from the landing of the stairs you would find yourself in the kitchen. All I remember of the kitchen was watching soap operas with my grandmother Phyllis while eating a plate of spaghetti. To the right of the landing were bedrooms I believe. My memory is a little fuzzy of what this house looked like. However, there are two very distinct memories that stick out in my mind of this house. The first pertains to the balcony that overlooked the stairs leading down into the basement of the house. See, we had this cat. I was obsessed with the movie Free Willy when I was a kid, and even to this day. I would watch at least five or six times a day, and that’s not an exaggeration. But again, and probably not for the last time, I digress. We had this gray male tabby cat that was my only friend for a while named Jesse, after the main character of Free Willy, that I adored. That cat was my best friend when I was a kid. The one memory I have of him to this day is how I would torture the hell out of him. I guess I never realized that dropping a cat off of that balcony down into the basement probably hurt it…but that cat still loved me, I think. I certainly loved him, and I never realized that it might be hurting him to drop him down those stairs, but that is one of the memories that stick out most vividly to me. The other memory involves those same stairs, but I feel like this might be lasting karma for the torture that I made my cat endure. When I was two, I made a big mistake. Now, when I remember this in my head, I don’t remember it as it happened to me. I remember it as someone standing over the landing of the stairs and looking down on me. But anyways, when I was two, I decided I would be a stuntman and ride my tricycle down a flight of split level home stairs. That was not the smartest decision I made. Needless to say, it ended in a bloody mess of my face meeting the door, and me losing the only tooth that had grown in at that point. My aunt, who was my primary babysitter at that point, mostly because she would work for free and because she was there all time, called my mother at work and I was promptly rushed to the hospital. I don’t remember much of that, but what I do have is a lasting scar from that experience: my crooked teeth.
This house was the first thing that I remember as a kid. I remember living there with my mother, aunt, and Granny, but I don’t know if anyone else lived there at the time. I do know, from stories that my mother told me, that Granny was my best friend. I was with her all the time that I could be. I never ever left her side. We would watch soap operas together, and I would talk in gibberish the entire time while she watched her soaps. I remember her face, but only because we have a picture of her that my mother keeps in her bedroom now. She was a beautiful woman, and she looks so much like my aunt Cassie that it’s uncanny. However, my Granny suffered from colon cancer. I don’t know when she was diagnosed with it, but I do know that she had it. I never knew, or if I did know I didn’t understand it. I never left her side though. My mom told me that I was always with her, every second of the day. I remember that we moved out of that pink house and into a brown mobile home in the same town. My Granny was dying, but at that age, I didn’t understand that. I don’t know why we moved out of the pink house into this dingy mobile home, but I trust there was a good reason. I only have a few memories of what happened in that household. I remember walking in on my aunt Cassie and her boyfriend at the time: Chris having sex. I didn’t understand what it was at the time, but I do remember being set down on the counter of the kitchen of the house and being apologized to by a shirtless Chris.
Granny wasn’t healthy. I think that my mom and aunt knew that her time was short, and that she was going to die soon. Now that I look back, I wish that I had been older so I could at least remember her voice. She was like a second mother to me, and I really do miss her. I hope that she is proud in Heaven, and that she is looking down on me with a smile. I’ve always thought I’ve had a guardian angel. I know that everyone says that they have one, but I’ve seen some crazy shit in my life that most people haven’t, and I think it was her holding me close. I think it was her holding me and making sure I was safe. I only remember a few things about her death, and they again were stories that my mom told me. My mom told me that Granny had to wear this contraption on her that would regulate her bowel movements. I still don’t know what it was that it was supposed to do, but essentially it was a bag that was slung around her waist to collect…well…fecal matter. My mom said that when I was a kid, I would walk around with a plastic King Soopers bag around my waist so I could be “like Granny!” Looking back on it now, I know that I had good intentions with the bag, but I wonder if it pained my Granny to look at me emulating her terminal illness. I don’t think she did. My Granny was a very caring and wonderful individual from what I remember. I haven’t thought about her in years until I started writing this, and I feel bad about that, but I can’t remember her very well. I do miss her though, and I look forward to the day when I can look at her beautiful face and the beautiful face of my God when I go to Heaven. I miss you Granny, but I know that you are looking at me now as I write this, and I hope I’ve made you proud. I know that I have made some mistakes in my life and I know that I have some pretty big regrets, but I think that I’m headed in the right direction. I just want to make you and Mom happy. I love you, and I can’t wait until the day when I get to meet you all over again.

There is no rest for the wicked.

My life, once again, seems to be just more and more complicated every single day.

I have been having an inner war lately. I know that I notioned to it in my last post, but it is definitely worth mentioning again.

Everyone's life if is a constant struggle to find out who they are. I am no exception. Ever since I went to Navs, and even before that, I have been wondering who I am? What do I have to bring to the table? Do people like me? I know that you're taught from a young age to not care what people think, but in reality, that isn't the case. No, you shouldn't care about those who hold no sway over your mind or your heart (and I certainly don't). But, those who do have say in your life or those you WANT to have a say in your life, are the ones that you should care about their opinions.

There are many people I want to keep in my life for various reasons. Be it something as simple as we've talked a couple of times, or something as big as you make me smile on a daily basis. Where the real struggle comes in, and where I have the most problems, is making someone see that. Why is it so hard to make friends with someone? Why must people be so callous or uncaring to those who want them to be their friends? Is it so wrong to seek comfort in someone we've just met? Is it so wrong to want to be included in people's thoughts?

I just don't understand why people don't care. I don't understand why people can see you struggling but don't do anything about it.

All I can do is pray. Maybe someday I can be the confident, caring, and personable man I know that I am and can be. I won't believe Satan any longer. I won't let myself believe that I am not coveted, and that I am not an attractive personality.

My only hope is that if I can become an RA in North Hall, or anywhere else for that matter, I will be welcomed warmly, and that I can fill the shoes of the guy or gal whom's place I am taking.

God, I just pray that you slowly but surely reveal to me who I am, and who I am going to be. I pray that you keep me steady and that you give me strength, guidance, and wisdom. I pray that you keep Satan at bay, and that you fill me with your wisdom and grace and allow me to battle this demon inside me. I don't want to feel unwanted anymore. There truly is no rest for the wicked.

I struggle to see any truth in your lies...

Hello again.

I'm wrestling today. I am kind of in emotional turmoil today. I have a lot on my mind, from this RA job to Satan. So, before I go to Nebraska for the weekend, I've decided to blog about what's going on.

Last night I went to a meeting for a group called Navigators, which is pretty much an on-campus ministry. It has opened up my eyes to the evil of Satan, that's for sure. He is a liar. He tells you things that aren't true and makes you believe him. But, I know in my heart and my soul that I am saved. I am protected. Now I just need to believe that.

This RA thing has been stressing me out. I don't know how my interview went, and as much as I want to work in North, I feel like I won't be welcomed. I feel like I wouldn't be wanted...but that is just Satan lying to me. I guess I've just become so attached to it that it's making me scared to leave. I've grown accustomed to the people that are here. But I don't think that they've received me as warmly as I have them...and if I don't get the North job, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. No, I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to stick it out and do the best I possibly can. But who knows, there may be a possibility of me not even getting anything, so I guess all I can do is wait.

I have plenty of time to ponder all of this though, as I'm going to Nebraska for the weekend.

I know what my biggest problem is, and it's an agreement I made with myself long ago and I now apply it to every part of my life. The lie I've come to believe is that the people who's company I enjoy, and the people that I think about the most, are the people who don't care about me and that think I'm just this annoying, needy person. I've made myself believe that over the years. But, again, those are whispered lies from the one who is out to destroy me. I am going to try and make myself believe that I am an interesting person, and that people want to be around me. I just hope that I can apply that now...even as I type this I am having a hard time believing it.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but the answers will come to me. My life seems to be getting more complicated...

Why do we let this happen?

Here I go, thinkin' again =p.

I just want everyone to know that tonight I feel very college-esque. I'm sitting on the couch in my suite, blogging, while watching "The Silence of the Lambs". Yeah, be jealous.

Today I've been thinking about lots of things. Most of all though, I have been considereing responsibility and dependance. Yes, I realize those are two different subjects but I have been exposed to two things today that have made me thinnk of these things.

Let's look at responsibility first. Dictionary.com defines it as "a particular burden of obligation upon one who is responsible". With that said, wouldn't I be correct in saying that a baby, for example, is something that one would refer to as responsible? I sure think so. Ok, well I know someone who just had a baby, and I am very happy for that person. Babies are a wonderful blessing and joy to behold. The miracle of life is so incredible that it really can't be put into words. I am in awe every time I see a newborn. But that isn't the point of my ramblings. What I was getting at is having a baby when you are READY, or rather RESPONSIBLE enough to have one. The person I know who just had a baby is still very much an immature person. She is the kind of person that can't look any deeper than say her boyfriend at the time or the "issues" they might be having.

In a nutshell, this guy and her had sex and she got pregnant when she was 18. This could lead into so many segways on topics that I feel very strongly about, but I am going to try my darndest to stay on just the one topic of responsibility. Teenage pregnancy is really something that I detest, and I think it stems from the lack of responsibitly in young men and woman. A responsible person would know that sex and intimacy comes with a very hefty price (which is one of the reasons I am saving myself, not necesarily until marriage, but until I find a committed relationship that I know means something). It may seem that these two love each other because they have a child together, but GET THIS!!! He wasn't even AT the hospital at the time. It was the same day as his birthday and he decided that hanging out with friends rather than his "girlfriend" and their brand new daughter. How ridiculous is that?

It may not seem like this to you, but take it from someone who knows this girl, she wasn't ready. She is still very young in her mindset and that interferes with her capacity to be an adult. I guess my main conclusion for this one is that I don't agree with teen pregnancy whatsoever, and that I think it could all be avoided if people wouldn't act on primal instincts to procreate.

Now for something that I am all too familiar with: dependance.

When I think of dependance, I think of the need for something to be present on, not necesarily a day to day basis, but on a frequent basis. I've found that I've become dependant on those who have shown me an act of compassion, no matter how small it is. But, the level of dependance depends on the level of compassion.

However, what I want to explore, at least specifically, those people that you see that are so needing of a relationship, it's almost sad.
I know someone who was dating a friend of mine, and the relationship went sour very quick. It went sour because she wanted him every minute of every day, and if he was gone for longer than ten minutes (say, and I'm not joking, the time span it takes to go to the bathroom) she would assume he was talking to other girls and that he was going to be making arrangements to see another girl when he was "done" with her. It was almost sad to watch her already frail confidence be shattered.
I know that most issues people have with other people is due to a lack of confidence, but I feel like this is an extreme.
What I don't understand, and what I kind of want to explore as a train-of-thought kind of process, is how this girl can be so torn up over being broken up with my friend, but then be with a guy that she possibly has just met, and is already being labeled as a "great guy". I wish I could just understand why people look down on themselves and can't be comfortable.

A message from me to anyone who decides to read this. You are beautiful. You are unique. You can be anything you want to be. Please don't subject yourself to the tortue of being so reliant on other people that you lose sight of who you are. I learned that lesson both a long time ago, and not too long ago. I learned when I was in high school when I destroyed the walls of my insecurities around my heart. I also learned not long ago that you can't rely on anyone but yourself. I know that sounds bleak, but when it really comes down to it, who can you trust better than yourself? You always know what you want, you always know what you need, even if you aren't willing to accept it right away.

My main conclusions for this post is that, responsibility is very importtant and can lead to a more real, and cognitive life. I think that it is one of the biggest things in a successful life, and especially in appropriate decision making. Also, dependance is ok, but just like anything, it is only appropriate in moderation. I think that it's fine to rely on others and to want others to be in your life, for I feel that no one can develop without exposure to other people. But, when it comes to meaningful relationships, someone you are in such need of that they can't be themselves, and you can't either, that's when it becomes unhealthy.

That's all I have for now.
Be well,
~Ge-Off~

I won't rot, I won't rot. Not this mind and not this heart. I won't rot.

Hello friends!

It has been far too long since I last posted, and for that I apologize. I have been so busy with studying, papers, homework, applications, resumes, etc. etc, it's been so insane. I don't even know where to begin with all that has happened.

My friends and I are great. I have seen them a few times since last we met, and everything is just the same. But, they are all in love, and unfortunately I am not...and it kinda sucks. Most days I want someone to hold, but then there are days where I can manage without. I know that I am ready, but I just need to find someone who is on the same level as me. I sure hope I find her soon.
My biggest thing with wanting a girlfriend is I want to be needed. I don't want someone I can show off to the world, or I can say "Yeah, look at that hot piece of ass I have on my arm". I just want to be the one she calls. I want to be the one she looks at and her heart skips a beat. I guess God will put her there when He is ready. I hope its my turn soon.

But aside from all that, school is going GREAT! These last couple weeks have been crazy busy, but I like having things to do. It keeps my wandering mind occupied and stimulated. I am applying to be an RA at UNC. I really really really really really hope I get it. I have been praying every night, and I pray He listens. I haven't been this passionate about something in a really long time, and in turn, it has ignited a flame in me. I am motivated now to do homework and get it out of the way, and my grades are improving because of it. Which, I suppose, isn't a bad thing =P.

I am a contemplative kind of person. I don't think that's a bad thing either. I also am not stupid. I have common sense, and I know when something is happening. Call it intuition. Lately, I have been making an effort to try and make amends with everything that happened over the summer. Joey is my roommate, and we are fine. I don't think he even knows/remembers what happened over the summer, but something he, or even Addie and Jared don't even know, is that I dwell on it all the time. It is constantly nagging at me. It is always telling me that nothing will ever be the same. And I know it won't. I messed things up royally. I took what could have been a wonderful friendship, with Jared in specific, and squeezed every iota of life out of it.

Jared, Joey, or Addie, if you ever read this, I just want you to know that the only reason I hang on so hard to everything I have is because I have lost so much in my life. Most of the things I have ever cared deeply about have dissapeared. I lost my first love to suicide, I've lost friends to car accidents, I've lost family members to cancer, I've even lost pets and friends. Loss is what I'm accustomed to. I held on to you guys so tightly because you gave me comfort. You made me happy. I am sorry that you can't see it that way.

In other, less depressing, news, I had my first choir concert of the semester. It went...well...INCEREDIBLE!!! We sounded awesome, or at least I thought. And, I got suprised like not other. Lisha, Kimmy, Orion came and suprised me. Oh, and ADAM came!!! I was convinced that he wasn't going to come, but he did, and it made me so happy. I was in shock at first, and then you couldn't wipe the smile off my face even if you wanted to! That was such a great experience.

The most stressful thing for me right now is my wanting to be an RA. Like I've said before, I haven't felt this much passion for something in a really long time. I haven't had a fire lit under my ass in a really long time, I guess you could say. But, at the same time I am having my doubts. I don't have any doubts about whether or not I can do the job...I honestly don't even know what I am doubting. They are looking for outgoing, fun, caring, and responsible individuals, and that is just what I am. I guess I should stop worrying about that which doesn't need to be worried about, huh?

I guess my main conclusions for this post is that I am done worrying about that which can't be changed or controlled. I don't put any stock in making myself worry all the time. It just isn't worth my time. I have plenty of other things to be doing. So I am going to live my life the way I see fit, and hope that others come with me. I know that I have Kimmy, Lisha, my might as well be brother Orion, Kate, Myka, Megan, Kayla, and even Adam who will stand by me no matter what. That's what I should hold on to. That's where my focus should be. If any of you ever read this, I LOVE YOU!! Thanks for caring about me. It takes alot, I know, but you guys do it on a daily basis. And for that I thank you.

With a glad and open heart,
Ge-Off

P.S.: My song of the day is "After the Storm" by Mumford and Sons. That's where I got the quote for the title of this post. M&S is a band that the RA on the 4th floor, Austin, of North introduced to me. Incredible band. Check em' out! =D

Be well.

Hopefully Goodness and Mercy Shall Follow

Hello friends,

It's me, Ge-Off again. I hope everything is good in your lives.

As for me,I have been having a productive day, and a productive week honestly. Everything in school seems to be going the way its supposed to. Psych is still so fascinating to me. I look forward to going to class every time one happens. Even if it's at 9:30 in the morning. I really hope that I won't regret changing my major for the second time.

Today has been really good, I spent the morning and most of the afternoon with my dear friend Kate, doing homework and such. I had a list of "H" things I had to do this weekend (yes, I do think I am incredibly clever) and have knocked almost all of it out today! Hooray!

Many things have been on my mind as of late. The fact that I no longer have a job and that I have to rely on my mother once again is killing me. I hate having to ask her for money...but unfortunately if I want to eat or live I have to. I hope that someday I can pay her back for her endless generosity.

I've also been looking at myself as far as fixing everything about me goes. I know there are some things that just can't be fixed or changed. I have acknowledged that fact that I am overly-emotional and tend to take things far too seriously. I know that in of itself is not a good thing, but my REALIZING that I am like that has led to many good things. It has led to me realizing who I want and need in my life. It has weeded out those who don't need to be here. I have come to the conclusion that if you can't handle me in my emotional stages, you certainly don't deserve to be exposed to my IMMENSE capacity for caring.

I can be the best friend you have in the world, but you have to be able to put up with me. Sometimes, I feel like the people I want in my life, don't want to be there, but that's just my overreactional thinking. Dude, you're a brother to me. I bet someday I will be to you too. I wish there wasn't such a big distance between us, but I guess that's unavoidable. I will see you soon.

I've also been thinking about love...alot. It's been said to me many times, but you really do have to love yourself before you love anyone else. The fact remains, that I am still rather uncomfortable with the person that I am. Not physically, I overcame those issues many years ago. Yeah, I'm a fatty, yeah, I have acne, yeah, I have crooked teeth. Sucks for you if you can't look past that. But, on the inside, I am in turmoil. My emotional ways tend to leave me with more questions than answers about who I am.

My goal right now is to: Go somewhere with the girl that I like right now. Somehow, I am going to muster the courage to ask her out...hopefully soon. Get over the fact that I am not going to see my buddy very often. And, God willing, maybe be more to him than the occasional text message. And, finally, become content with myself. I think that right there will solve issues one and two. We shall see.

Tuesday is gonna be a big day for me. Aside from the fact that I am taking a quiz in my Human Growth and Development class, I am going to Fort Collins for the evening. After completing my quiz, I plan on rushing out of the school, getting in my car and driving as fast as I can to see my friends Kimmy, Kate, Nicole, Matt, and Adam! Softball games make my life complete, and this may be the only that I can go to this semester. This is also gonna be the day that I see my softball buddies for the first time in three weeks. I hope it's a happy reunion. I prayed last night that it goes awesomely and that I don' leave there wishing it had gone differently.

God willing, I will find my way. I will feel satisfied.

-Ge-Off-

My song of the day: Whatever It Takes by Lifehouse. I know that this song is a song about ruining things with your lover and that you want it fixed, but I am in a stage in my life where my friends are the most important thing to me. I don't want to ruin my friendship with Adam anymore. I just wanna turn it around. I don't know what I have to do, but someway, I will find the answers.

College: LIFE 101 is now in session.

Hoo boy. Well, hello friends, it's another post. Another day in the life of Ge-Off.

College is already off to a crazy start. In the first two days I have had to return books, do homework assignments, re-arrange things, the whole shibang. It's been kinda hectic, but it's nice to back into a routine again. It's a good feeling to be going to class and having responisibility again. The one good thing is that it keeps my mind off of things that are making me sad.

Let's see. This semester is getting off to a great start. I am really enjoying all my classes. I am taking Human Growth and Development, Principles of Psychology, Multiculturalism, Men's Glee Club, University Singers, The Cosmos, and Intro to Philosophy. I am most excited to take Human Growth and Development. I am so excited for Psychology in general. I think it's my niche!

This room is so nice too. It has a living room with a coffee table, armchair, and a couch. It's pretty awesome. In the bathroom there is a HUGE space for the vanity area, and then it has two seperate rooms for the toilet and the shower too, so anyone can use the entire bathroom at the same time. And the two bedrooms are bigger than the entire dorm room in Wilson Hall. It's pretty ritzy, haha.

Being back here though, just like I thought it would, makes me miss home. A lot. I miss being readily around my friends. I miss texting them and being like "Hey, let's hang out tonight" and then it just happening. School seems to take so much away from me, but give me so much back. It seems to make them seem so far away, yet they really aren't. This feeling will pass with the school year though, I bet you anything. As much as I am sad to be away from home for the second time, it didn't hit me as hard as it did last time. Last time I was a wreck. I was so emotional, it was almost pathetic. No, not pathetic, it's just me. Nothing about me is pathetic. But anyways. I could only hope that this time it wouldn't be as bad. And, thank God, it wasn't.

I've found that as much as I miss my friends, it doesn't feel like a piece of me is missing like it did last year. This time it just feels like an extended "see ya later!". I really miss them, and have only seen Lisha and Kimmy since I came up here. Others were supposed to come and see me, but haven't. I am hoping said parties come through for me. I just want to see you, man. That's all. But anyways.

College has been strangely comforting for me...it's weird. I feel like I'm home, even though I'm not. The bed here feels more comfortable than the one at home, which makes me feel bad, but good at the same time. New North has been a really welcoming environment. The RA here is incredible, and it makes me feel good to have one that actually cares about what their residents are doing. Since I've been here, I have been telling myself everything is going to be ok, everything is going to work out the way it was meant to.

I think there are pretty big issues I need to work on this year. One of those being my tendency to overthink things and take stuff personally. No one wants to be constantly let down; no one enjoys that. I need to learn to tell myself everything is going to be ok, if it didn't happen today or right away, it will soon. I need to just learn to take things in stride. Another thing. Everyone is entitled to be sad once in a while. It's natural to be down sometimes, and to just sit and think about your life. But, I need to do it when the time is right, not when the littlest things make me upset.

I am going to conciously work on these lessons. A lot. And, I'm sure there are many others that I can work on too, but those will come with time. I am determined to have the people I need be there, and me become the man I want to be. I am determined.

Get ready world,
Ge-Off is about to rock your world, albeit slowly.

I'm sure I will have more posts coming your way soon.

My song of the day is: "Turning Home" by David Nail because I am always thinking of home, but remembering that I have a duty to fulfill here at UNC before I can go home and see my friends. This is me time, and I plan to live it up.

-Ge-Off-

The End of a...Dream?

This summer has gone by so fast. It seems that every summer I go through, something significant happens, be it good or bad. But, regardless of that, I (most of the time) am really thanful for what happens. Like I have said before, life constantly seems someone changed. I still feel like I am being molded into the person I am going to inevitabley be. I'm ready for it though.

School is fast approaching, and with that, I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I am so stoked to live in New North. What I'm most about is the fact that there will be an oven where I can cook my own food. Oh man, I am so excited to cook for me and my friends. It's gonna be splendid. Experementation here I come. When I think about it, I am most excited to meet new people. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends more than life itself, but its nice sometimes to get a break. I will most likely be down in Longmont all the time because now I have found a reason to come home, but it will be nice to be around people I haven't seen in a while. It will be nice to be in an unfamiliar place again.

Seeing as how I've changed my major, again, I have more interesting classes to look forward to. I think Psych is the one. I know that I've said that before about Art and Music, but I really do think Psych is what I wanna do. I love getting to know people and what makes them click, and I think that I would make a great counsellor. There are so many more practical applications to Psych than say Art. In the arts, you can be good and enjoy them (as I am), but when it really comes down to it, you have to EXCEPTIONAL if you plan to get anywhere. That I am not. Yes, I'm a competant singer, and yeah, I'm a better artist than most of the people I know, but that in itself doesn't make me extraoridinary. It's more of a hobby than a career for me.

These thoughts, and many others, make me excited to go back to Greeley...but there is also that which is holding me back.

I am back in my comfort zone. I am with my mom, and my best friends, and my new buddy, and that makes me content. I would be content to spend my last days with these people, and that gives me comfort, like a warm bed that you have slept in for years. Just like last year, I am feeling like my little world is kinda crashing down.

Lately, with the prospect that I'm leaving, I have been feeling like my life is in constant dischord. Nothing seems to feel right anymore. I'm not depressed, but I'm not entirely happy either. Uprooting just seems to shake things up for, but I guess that's what life is all about. It's about changing, and adapting. I guess I gotta learn that at some point.

The one things, though, that heartens me to no end, is that no matter where I go, who I meet, or what I do, I have five wonderful people here that will always be on my mind, and I on their's. It makes me smile that I have found comrades in this war called life. I know that with their support, I can do anything. My mom too. She is my conscience. I consult her on just about everything I do. I make sure that I am making her proud before I do something. That's how it's always been, and always will be.

I guess it's just sad to think that another summer has come and gone, and that every year that passes, I'm that much closer to growing up. That idea excites me, and kinda scares me too. I never thought I would be sitting here at the threshold of my SOPHOMORE year of college, in high school. I thought youth would be forever, and part of me wishes it was, but unfortunately, it's not.

So, in a week, my summer ends, and my professional life begins anew. I hope I'm ready for it.

Reflection on Summer

Hey guys, tis me, Ge-Off once again. I noticed that my first post was a little rough, and kinda unorganized. I'm contemplating either deleting it or just editing it..I don't really know yet, haha. But anwyays. Let me start by giving you a little background on me.

I am Geoff, or as most call me, Ge-Off. I am from Longmont, CO, a sleepy little town, but amazing nonetheless. I attend UNC in Greeley, CO. It is only the best school ever, so don't judge. I currently work at Walmart, but will be quitting next week, as school is my number one prority. At UNC I started out as Music Education major with a vocal emphasis, but found that I sing MUCH better in a choral setting, rather than a solo setting. With that in mind, I switched to Art Education, but found that I have lost interest in that, so I am currently an Art major taking Psych classes, haha. I plan to change my declared major to Psychology. I haven't decided yet if I want to be a teacher or a counsellor. Either way, I have enough time to consider that haha.

Can I just say, I love country music. So much. It tells such an amazing story. David Nail might just be my new favorite singer. If you don't know who he is, check him out. He is worth your time, I promise.

Summer....the meat of this post. This summer has been such an emotional ride. One I won't be forgetting soon...and I can't really decide if that's a good thing or not. At the beginning of summer, I was dreading it. I dreaded leaving people. School was such a profound experience for me. Through it, I learned who my real friends are, who I am, and, most importantly, who I'm not. I learned, that you shouldn't have to change who you are for those that matter. You shouldn't have to feel like you're annoying someone every time you talk to them. That's not what a real friend is. But anyways.

What else? Hmmm...I spent alot of time thinking in my room. My room kind of became a central area for me to think, to wallow, and to rejoice. There were many things that I considered, pondered, and did. In the beginning, I would just sit and listen to music. Most of the songs were trying to reassure me that goodbye isn't forever, or self-pity songs. At some point, I decided I didn't want to feel like that anymore. I got up and did stuff, hung out with friends, practiced, and became good at, a song on the piano (Psalm 23 by Z. Randall Stroope. Look it up). Most of the time I was just sitting there, and letting myself be consumed by my emotions.

More background. I never had a significant male, or even female, role model in my life. I grew up in a house torn by fights, drugs, alcohol, screaming, yelling, throwing things, etc. I guess you could say that the only thing I know is volatile/extreme emotions. I tend to take every little thing personally. I overreact, and I cry sometimes. Sometimes out of emotions, out of self-pity...anyways.

The only thing that gave me respite from the torture of the pain I witheld from everyone was being with other people. Anyone. Just being around someone else, simply being in their presence helped to ease my pain. I spent as much time with them as I could. We spent alot of time going to parks late at night, just to talk. Talking seemed to help more than I realize.

Honestly, besides what was said in my last post, my summer has been pretty unremarkable. Since I got my job at Walmart, I have had no time for a social life. I haven't seen my good friends since about three weeks ago when we all went bowling.

Um, I've rekindled an old fling I had. Hopefully it will go somewhere this time. Needless to say, I still really like this girl.

I'm scared that I am going to lose a friend to my emotional ways. I thought that I had complete control over my actions, and in some respects I do, but I still make stupid mistakes, and I pray everyday for God to bless me with patience, and strength. I have to believe in myself too. I just care about this person...a lot. I just met him, but he has quickly become like a brother to me, and it worries me that I am doing a better job of pushing him away than he is. He sees nothing wrong, but I continue to make something wrong. I guess I need prayer...and belief. Pray for me, if you fancy. I can't really do this on my own.

I can't even tell you how much music empowers me. Songs tend to speak to me on a very personal level, and I won't add a song to my I-pod unless it relates to something that is going on, has gone on, or makes me think "what if this were to happen to me?" Good shtuff.

I noticed that this blog is turning into a kind of random train of thought, but these are the things on my mind right now. Perhaps I should change the title, haha.

Gloriana is my favorite BAND! Different than singer haha. Check em' out. I got to meet them this summer, actually! That was such a fun experience. I randomly got tickets to the Greeley Stampede, and won backstage passes for a meet n' greet. It. Was. AMAZING! Such cool people, and such talented musicians. Check em' out, for real. Rachel...mmmm mmmm mmmm.

My laptop gets really hot when I leave it on for a long time.

I'm learning a new song on the piano called "Never Alone" by Jim Brickman. Gorgeous. Lady Antebellum sings on the recording of it, and it's awesome. Again, such talented musicians.

Back to my earlier point about losing a friend. I don't like losing friends, nor do I like making people angry (though I seem to have a knack for that...). But at the same time, friendship is a two way road. It takes two to tango, insert any other cliche expression here _____. Sometimes, it's nice to be reminded that you are being thought of every once in a while. I am almost to the point where I am going to walk away and give up on it all...which goes against my personality, but I don't like feeling like this anymore. Any suggestions as to what I should do? Meh.

Listened to a song today, by Gloriana, called "Time To Let Me Go"....think about it, it will come to you why that song spoke to me.

I've found that the songs that get stuck in my head are the ones that pertain most to the things on my mind, but I guess that's not all that strange.

I think that my life would make a kick-ass reality T.V. show, and I've thought about pitching it to MTv, just to see what would happen, haha. I would call it "The Big Five". That's what my friends and I have dubbed ourselves. Check my blog page out, they are the ones in the phote. Awesome people.

This is helping out alot, just to keep my mind off of things.

I think that this is plenty for one post, I am sure that I will have more to talk about in the next couple of days. Tomorrow is my day off and I plan to deposit my check, buy my textbooks, and then go visit my new chica friend at work. Should be a good day.

"May you always have hope, and may you find happiness, for that is what all hearts yearn for."

"Always stay 'Wild at Heart'".

Mistakes, Letting Go, and Realizations.

This is something that I deal with, almost daily. Friends are one of the most, if not THE most, important things that people need in their lives. No one can walk this road called life alone, no matter how strong you think you are. I know that, but sometimes I take that too far. I cherish my friends more than life itself, literally. I would take a bullet for any one of them, without the slightest hesitation.
I've been learning alot about myself this summer. I've learned that just when you think you are the person you want to be, you can be changed, instantly, into another person. The changes are all for the good, but what it comes down to is: Are you willing to let these changes happen? I know I wasn't. I was willing to let myself drown in my sorrow.
I hate losing people, more than anything. Loss is not something that I deal with well. But. It had to happen for me to be stronger. To quote a song that I love: "Every heartache makes you stronger". This line is so true. Heartache hurts, yes. But in the end, the wounds heal, and are stronger thus. I did have to lose people. But it taught me that no matter what, the ones that are meant to stay in your lives WILL. Someday.
It took alot for me to learn this. I went through such a emotional ride this summer with my friends. It started off two weeks before school was over. The four of us, whose names shall remain in confidence, became really close. Jason Aldean's song "Laughed Until We Cried" comes to mind right now. We got to know each other, hung out, revealed secrets, and forged an unbreakable bond (or so I thought at the time). Bonds, aren't always as strong as one would think.
Come the end of school, I took them leaving really hard. Even though I was returning to the best friends I could ever ask for, my heart was still pained because they weren't there right when I needed them. Me and one of the group got especially close. Him and I were almost like brothers (again, so I thought). And, I made a fool of myself. I took every opprotunity I could to make him mad at me by pestering him, and I did a better job of pushing him away than he ever would have done. And, to this day, I regret that more than anything this summer. I regret ruining what would have been a great friendship, and I hope it still can be. (If you haven't noticed, I like to beat myself up about stuff, I promise, I'm working on it ;]).
So, I came home. I tortured myself. I made myself believe that these people hated me, when that couldn't be farther from the truth. They didn't hate me, the hated the person I was becoming. I made a fool out of myself.
But, in every darkness, there is a glimmer of light. The Big Five, I'll call it (with every year passin' they mean more than gold).
These friends have stuck with me through thick and thin, literally (I have been on a crusade to lose weight, and I've been pretty successful). I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize what it is that I had. I realized that I shouldn't have to change who I am to feel like I fit in with friends, I should revel in myself, and be who I really am. And, from that time on, I was that way with everyone I met. Including another buddy of mine, who means the world to me, just like the Big Five.
I met said buddy through my friend Lisha. She had met him on the internet and invited him to come hang out with us one night, spur of the moment. That spur of the moment night, kinda changed my summer.
I was afraid of the term bromance, because that is what people called me and my buddy form school that didn't work out. I was afraid to let myself get close to another person that I barely knew again. But, when someone else besides me labelled it one, I got excited again. Adam and I got really close, but that was almost a bad thing.
I began to do the same thing I had done previously this summer. I took every opprotunity to make myself look like a fool without realizing it. I almost pushed him away in the same fashion I had done before. I became overbearing, needy, and emotional. I scared myself with how I acted and finally decided to do something about it. I prayed.
I prayed deep in my heart, and then from my mouth, that God would come and change me into someone who can handle his emotions. I asked him for me to be happy, even if that meant letting go of Adam. I couldn't handle the constant anxiety that I was experiencing, over a person. It's been three days since I made that prayer, and I think that God heard me. I don't care if you say God doesn't work that fast, but my deep desire to be happy, and the passion in which I said the words, and meant them, made it happen this way. Now, I realized that letting go of something, no matter how briefly, determines worth on both ends. You realize how much somone means to you, and then they in turn realize what they have too. Adam may or may not come to that realization, but he never needed to. I did. Now, I feel like nothing is wrong. I let go, thinking that that would be the last I ever heard of him. But God saw if fit to keep him in my life, and for that I thank him to no end. Letting go is hard to do, "but if you never try you'll never know, just what you're worth".
So, I have realized that God keeps those that are supposed to be in your life there.
"You're never alone."
They'll be in every beat of your heart no matter where you fly.